TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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