Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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