I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I came so hard my ears popped.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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