Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
