You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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