I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sext me about skeletons
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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