My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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