I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
