Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you will always have a special place in my vag
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
