just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
