my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
