i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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