I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
