My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He felt like a one man threesome
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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