It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
