OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
