i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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