everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize