Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
