I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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