you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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