I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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