My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
