got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
