My nipple is on Facebook.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
