He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Randomize
