I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
