She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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