Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
