I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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