So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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