Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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