i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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