please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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