i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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