Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
