I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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