Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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