the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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