This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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