I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
