I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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