im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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