There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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