We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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