Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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