How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
