i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
