cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
