I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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