Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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