if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
