My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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