Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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