Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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