Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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