I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
