I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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