Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's like iHOP with fire
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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