we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
