It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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