I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
