Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize